• Home
  • Shop
  • Meet April
  • Blog
  • Writings
  • Speaking
  • Contact
    • Email
    • Facebook
    • Instagram
    • Pinterest

The Stamped Lily

A blog by April Dillow

What he didn’t say

February 2, 2018 by april dillow Leave a Comment

I’ve read his suicide note twice.  The first time was four years ago, a couple days after he died.  Through the tears, I only felt anger.  He had left me out.  Mentions of other members of our family and friends found their way onto the keyboard.  But no mention of me.  

The second time I read the note was this afternoon.

Four years ago, I wondered if he left me out because he was so mad at me.  I wondered if I even had the right to grieve given he didn’t mention my name.  I wondered if he loved me so much that he couldn’t fathom the thought of saying goodbye.  

Now…

I wonder if he spared me.  I wonder if he knew he wasn’t going to say anything nice so he didn’t say anything at all.  I wonder why so much thought went into the other parts of his note yet thought wasn’t given to our relationship.  But even more evident than him leaving me out is the pain I missed the first time I read it.  I am looking at this letter all these years later and all I see is pain.  I can feel it.  This inevitably drives a whole new line of questioning…you see where this goes?  Circles.  

Working through all of these complicated feelings has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever done.  I am trying to process actions I’ll never have answers for.


I started thinking about what I would have liked him to say.  What do I think he would have said if he had included my name in the note?  This is extremely difficult because I still wrestle with the thoughts of not knowing how he left this earth.  Mad at me or sad to leave me. 

This was all I could muster up:

April, 

We’ve had our differences and we haven’t always gotten along but you’re my sister and I love you. 

I don’t know if his self-imposed distance from me and our family was a result of him being sick, or if he was truly angry with me, but all I want to know now, four years later, is that he loved me. 

You might also enjoy...

This is scary
Hugs from Heaven – Guest post by Jennifer Osler
6 Things I’ve Learned about Friendship

Filed Under: personal, writing

Previous Post What’s Next
Next Post Convert your clip on earrings to post back

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HI, I’M APRIL!

HI, I’M APRIL!

I’m an encourager and I enjoy chatting with you about what God is teaching me. Every day I’m learning and every day I’m reminding myself who I am in Christ. I’m a simple girl who speaks about hope in the midst of my own struggles. Whether I’m sharing my story of God’s faithfulness through the loss of my brother to suicide, or talking about my daily sin struggles and remembering to give myself grace, God is walking me through every part of it.

FOLLOW ME

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest

Let’s stay connected!

Leave your email to be the first to know about all things Stamped Lily: New products in the shop, new blog posts, exclusive discount codes and more. Psst...You’ll get a discount code just for signing up.

Here they are! The last four cuffs available in th Here they are! The last four cuffs available in the Heirloom Collection launch happening this Friday 2/26 on my website😍

AND I totally forgot to mention necklaces in my stories yesterday! I’ll share those tomorrow ☺️

Can I answer any questions?? Restock questions? Heirloom cuff questions? Drop them here💗

#thestampedlily #theheirloomcollection #upcycledjewelry #upcycledleather #upcycledbelt #vintagejewelrylover
Carriage House is stocked! I may or may not have Carriage House is stocked!

I may or may not have had to take the Christmas tree out my booth today guys but it’s fully stocked and no longer out of date! 😂 I added some spring lace tassel earrings to the mix as well as some new heirloom pieces!

Oh and P.S. the Carriage House has some of the best antiques and gifts. Definitely worth the trip...not just for The Stamped Lily 😉

#thestampedlily
Ohh it’s getting good y’all! 3 more in the he Ohh it’s getting good y’all!

3 more in the heirloom collection launch coming this Friday night!! Can’t wait for you to see the rest🙌🏼

Do you have a fave yet??

#thestampedlily #theheirloomcollection #upcycledjewerly
It’s heirloom launch week y’all! Friday night It’s heirloom launch week y’all!

Friday night is the night! These sweet pieces and MORE will be available. I’ll preview the rest throughout the week!

AND the awesome pair of earrings I shared in my last post will be available too 😍

I tried to make what y’all asked for! Crosses and bling were a couple of the suggestions! Check and check!

Have a great Monday!

#thestampedlily #theheirloomcollection #upcycledjewelry #leathercuffs #upcycledleather
What do you wish you knew how to do? Each time I What do you wish you knew how to do?

Each time I share about learning the piano in my stories I’ll get a few messages saying “I’ve always wanted to learn!” Or “I should do this too!”

Isn’t it amazing that somewhere down the line we’ve decided that it’s too late or there’s not enough time to learn something new? 

Here’s your permission slip!! It’s not to late!! It’s not too late to at least try something new! Whether it’s a skill, a craft, another language, a website, or a podcast even. I’m cheering you on👊🏼

What is the thing you’ve been itching to try?

P.S. Shoutout to James who actually took a decent piano shot 😂

#thestampedlily #tslpianodiaries #learningtoplay #pianorookie
Morning friends! You know what this means...the n Morning friends!

You know what this means...the next restock will be next Friday 2/26 and it’s all Heirloom pieces! Can’t wait to see what comes out of the shop this time!

They’re my favorite to create! And they seem to be a favorite of yours...so mark your calendars!

Is there anything specific you’re looking for? I can keep that in mind when creating!

#thestampedlily #heirloomcollection #upcycledjewerly
What do you want to make next? I’ve got a few i What do you want to make next?

I’ve got a few ideas in the works for the next project kit but I thought I’d ask your opinion! What are you loving to make with your Stamp Kits? What do you want to make more of?

I want your Stamp Kit to be everything you dreamed it would be. 😍 I want to encourage your stampers to keep stamping and creating so it’s important to me to listen to what your stampers love to make! 

Just a reminder that the FULL TSL Stamp Kit is always available in my shop and I’ll be releasing project kits every other month! 💗

So drop your ideas and thoughts below so I can try and make it happen!

#thestampedlily #tslstampkit
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anythi “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” -C.S. Lewis

Here’s to keeping our hearts soft and being vulnerable ❤️

#thestampedlily #tslworkbench #handstampedmetal #handstamped
It’s Friday! And it’s the last day to get you It’s Friday!

And it’s the last day to get your copper bar necklaces on sale ❤️

So if ya didn’t snag one yet and you’ve been wanting one...today’s a good day!

Thank you so much for the last two weeks! I’ve had so much fun making your sweet gifts❤️❤️

#thestampedlily #handstampedjewelry #handstampedmetal
Can you believe it’s been ONE YEAR since rings c Can you believe it’s been ONE YEAR since rings came to the shop?

Still making these like crazy for you and still loving it! In fact I just finished a sweet girl’s ring stack yesterday that included all of her horses names 😌

There are so many possibilities🙌🏼

It’s a good time to visit the *Rings* highlight if you need to freshen up your rings! There’s a story titled “ring maintenance” with details on how to do that! Plus you may get some new ring ideas💗

#thestampedlily #handstampedrings #handstampedpewter #handstampedjewelry
Follow on Instagram

COPYRIGHT © 2019. Emma Theme by The Stamped Lily ·